Is "living apart together" the future of relationships?

The phenomenon of "living apart together" evokes a contemporary relational trend where couples make the deliberate choice to maintain separate households while preserving their romantic bond. While this notion may have been met with incomprehension in our grandparents' time, it is now increasingly embedded in the social fabric. In 1975, an overwhelming majority of 54% of women aged 20 to 24 and 32% of young men shared the same residence. However, by 2019, these statistics had significantly dropped to 25% and 14%. This choice to live apart, often associated with the beginnings of relationships, also seems to appeal to couples already well-established in their history. Out of sight, close to the heart: could this be the winning formula?

Far from constraint, a sign of emancipation

The term "living together apart" has evolved beyond its initial meaning to become a symbol of a major social transformation. It reflects the growing desire to rethink traditional relational norms. Initially, this term was used to describe the challenging reality of separated parents who, despite their breakup, were forced to share the same living space due to financial constraints in the post-subprime crisis era of 2008. This trend emerges as a response to societal and cultural upheavals that redefine the very notion of intimacy. On TikTok, the hashtag #livingaparttogether seems to intrigue many, totaling 31.3 million views. Through these short videos, couples speak out to share the benefits they believe they have gained from this innovative lifestyle. Their testimonies seem to compose a true ode to "living together apart," suggesting that it combines all the advantages sought by these atypical lovers: preserved freedom, where each can enjoy their space and autonomy, and an ardent desire that remains intact.

The study "La famille à distance" by INED, published in 2018, indicates that more than 1.2 million French people live in LTA, with a higher prevalence among those under 35. Advocates of this lifestyle form a diverse group, encompassing both educated urban youth and older individuals with substantial relationship experience. On one hand, there are young urbanites, often graduates, who, influenced by ideals of female emancipation and personal fulfillment, adopt it as a modern alternative to living as a couple. On the other end of the spectrum, there are older individuals, often after their forties, sometimes already parents, who see it as a solution to preserve their love while avoiding the challenges of cohabitation. A way to preserve love while avoiding arguments over improperly closed toothpaste tubes and existential crises over the uneven distribution of household chores.

Does love really last three years?

If this adage has often been associated with the fragility of married couples, illustrated by statistics indicating that two out of three married couples in Paris divorce within three years of the ceremony, it can also be extended to the average lifespan of non-cohabiting couples. According to INED, the National Institute for Demographic Studies, half of the couples between 18 and 40 years old who choose not to live together separate after three years. This observation suggests that the three-year period can be a critical moment in romantic life, whether in the context of traditional marriage or a non-cohabiting relationship. During this period, couples seem to face significant transitions, leading either to a more stable union, separation, or other forms of commitment. Between normalization and distancing, challenges abound. Those much-awaited weekends often become the only time to reconnect, turning this highly praised freedom into a form of partial cohabitation, sometimes even asymmetric.

Non-cohabiting couples juggle between spaces, with sometimes asymmetric arrangements. Discussions about time allocation and the resulting imbalance from these arrangements can create tensions and erode the romance of the relationship. Statistics suggest a higher breakup rate compared to their cohabiting counterparts. However, the nuance lies in the fact that some non-cohabiting couples maintain their marital lifestyle after three years, while others ultimately choose to take the step towards cohabitation. Is it then more of a transitional stage rather than a final destination? Although this 2.0 couple may seem like the panacea to all our problems, it still requires adjustments, long-distance compromises, and sometimes existential crises facing the crucial question: «But why on earth are we not living together?!» Despite its challenges, it represents the rallying cry of those who refuse to conform to the banalities of couple life. Good for them. Of course, everyone is free to do as they please, so choose your own path and live your love life as you see fit - whether together, apart, or somewhere in between.