Shein's suits really exist and are everything you feared

«Do not judge, or you too will be judged», the Gospel rightly says. Too bad that, in Jesus' time, Shein did not yet exist because even he would not have made his apostles buy such clothes. Yesterday, one of the best pages dedicated to classic menswear on Twitter, the ever insightful @dieworkwear, had expressed his deep perplexity at the discovery that men's tailored suits are sold on Shein too. How can one not agree with his grievance by quickly scrolling through the formalwear offerings that the Chinese giant provides to its customers at rock-bottom prices? The best pieces are undoubtedly those in silk satin-effect polyester - there's a blazer in hot pink with a shiny fabric that looks like Tom Ford's nightmare after mussel indigestion; there's a green horror (also shiny) with contrasting black lapels that not only fits as snugly on the legs as Captain Marvel's jumpsuit, but has been made to fit a model so statuesque that his torso finds itself stuffed into the polyester almost as if it were a salami. For curvy physiques (credit must be given to Shein at least for smoothly including this category) variations of the plain model in rose-colored polyester and spandex "satin" or evening outfits capable, like Jep Gambardella, of making parties fail are offered. For more classic men who would like to harken back to the aesthetic heritage of Al Capone but also want to show off the work done in the gym there is a stunning pinstripe suit with hyper-fitted pants that uncover the ankle and a very short jacket with shoulders so unusual that the wearer resembles a television set with a cathode ray tube - but also a jacket is covered with a very delicate gold damask pattern on a black background. Nothing suggests a hefty bank account like gold damask on a black background, just be careful that your outfit doesn't attract the attention of the Yellow Flames.

The part that, depending on one's point of view, may be the most or the least surprising is that all of these suits have excellent reviews on average - never forget that the site offers "points" to customers who review the products, which, when accumulated, translate into discounts on the already frighteningly low prices. Droves of enthusiastic customers from all over Europe praise the workmanship of these suits with lapels that fold like sheets of paper, a light-catching ability that only petrochemicals possess, and, of course, a type of fit reminiscent of the boxes that movers use when clearing out basements. It almost hurts to think that suits like these pass off as stylish those from Zara and H&M that have contributed so much to the dress code of formal events in the province. Although, at the very least, we have to give credit to Shein's suits that make it immediately obvious, even ten or twenty miles away, how much money has been spent on such fine tailoring works. And even though some customers proudly flaunt photographs of blazers whose sleeve cut is practically a crime against humanity and whose "fabric," for lack of a better term, is so thin it looks like toilet paper (and is perhaps fit for the same purpose), it makes one a little concerned that many outfits, especially traditional ones, have become so distant from everyday life for such huge swaths of the public that they are now likened to Halloween costumes that must replicate the general silhouette of a tailored suit without having anything that makes a tailored suit beautiful.

A philosophical note is necessary at this point. Many recent voices have risen to lament the role of the classic tailored suit as a signifier of heteronormativity. This is without considering how the men's suit has over time become a profoundly disruptive garment when worn by a woman (as early as the 1930s Marlene Dietrich subverted its heteronormative connotations) but especially how, in an era when suits were not readily available, the men's suit served to present oneself in society, i.e., to leave the house, wearing a kind of socially accepted uniform identical for all without (ideally) pointing out who was richer or poorer. As early as the mid-nineteenth century, personalities such as Baudelaire lamented the monotony of these bourgeois outfits, which, however, no less, were designed precisely to accommodate and equalize whatever physical type they happened to be used on, from the most to the least slender, from the young to the elderly. By playing with proportions and materials, the tailor knew how to alter the perspective of the body and draw a silhouette that was never ungainly but equalized different body types in a harmonious balance. Shein's suits are the exact opposite of this: they look bad on everyone and do not mellow any physique. In conclusion, better not to trust a suit whose washing instructions are an indifferent "Machine wash or professional dry cleaning," as if to say that one's suit that a pair of sweatpants can be put in the same load of the washing machine (in this case set the wash to "Synthetic fabrics" mode) so much as it doesn't change anything. Democratic tailoring? No, just plastic.